Monday, July 28, 2008

Rich's Mailbag, part 2

Greetings loyal bird watchers!

My first mailbag was such a success that I decided to do a second one. Not to mention that I receive thousands and thousands of questions and comments every single day related to the Rich Morning Show (debuting Nov. 17th, 2008) and Rich Morning himself. So, with no further ado... let's get to it.

Q. Rich, do you ever get lonely?

A. So, so lonely.

Q. Rich, what's the best way to get on TV?

A. Well, it's important to be attractive, have money and connections. Barring that, you could commit a crime, and then you might at least make the evening news.

Q. Rich, how's your assistant search going?

A. Pretty good. So far I have a seal and a leopard on my short list. But there's a python with a solid resumé that has an outside shot of making it.

Q. Rich, will you marry me?

A. Sorry, but I'm not the marrying type. I'm afraid of commitment, and I have a hard time cleaning up after myself. Other than that, I am perfect in every way.

Q. Rich, why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

A. That's my entourage, yo. They like to bask in the presence of greatness.

Q. Rich, if train A leaves Chicago traveling 100MPH and train B leaves New York traveling 150MPH and the distance between the two cites is 600 miles, how far from New York will it be when the two trains meet?

A. I'm an ostrich, not a doctor. But the answer is D.

That's it for this week's mail. Stay tuned for more hijinks. Remember, if you have a question or comment for me, Rich Morning, or the Rich Morning Show (premiering November 17th, 2008) feel free to write me at richmorningATgmailDOTcom!

Peace out!

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Thursday, July 24, 2008

What the duck?







I like ducks.

What do you like?

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Friday, July 18, 2008

A Day In The Life Of Rich Morning

Thank Godzilla it's Friday!

Most of you know Friday as the day after Thursday, and the day before Saturday, but Friday is so much more than that. For example, these are just some of the things I do on Fridays. Here it is, a day in the life of Rich Morning.

Morning:

-Wake up, 10 AM
-Take a birdbath, blow dry feathers.
-Have personal assistant choose outfit for me.
-Refuse to wear said outfit, fire personal assistant.
-Eventually choose same outfit chosen by former personal assistant.
-Rehire former personal assistant, making her current personal assistant.
-Go outside to greet the day.


Lunchtime:

-Meet with superagent Ron 'The Camel' Goldstein at his Beverly Hills Home.
-Eat organic, fair trade vegan birdseed with a few strawberry daiquiries.
-Discuss future projects with Ron, including possible romantic comedy film with Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen.
-Listen to Ron discuss personal problems like water retention and difficulty humping.

Early afternoon:

-Roller blade at Venice beach and pump some iron with local bodybuilders.
-Contemplate tattooing neck with Rich Morning Show Logo... settle for a temporary tattoo and a chocolate milkshake.
-Read Steven Speilberg script with mild interest, call agent to reject it.

Afternoon:

-Head to the Burbank studio to interview potential show guests, including a donkey named Max who loves to kick people when they aren't looking.
-After show medic diagnoses me with severe concussion, decide that Max won't work out.
-Exchange phone numbers with sexy pelican dancer, make plans to meet her at the club later on.
-Order 16 cases of Crystal champagne to studio just for the fun of it.
-Play quick game of badminton with Priscilla and Karl, associate producers and rabbits.

Evening:
-Head back to Casa de Rich, film segment for MTV Cribs.
-Show camera man my nest and tell him 'this is where the magic happens'.
-Find Ostrich egg I had been looking for since June of last year, place it on bookshelf, in between my Grammy and a signed photo of the Crocodile Hunter (Rest in Peace)

Dinner:

Lobster at Nobu, plus three Zimas and a Snapple.
For desert, a couple of bottles of O2 at the local Oxygen bar.

Late night:
Head to the club...

The rest is censored... sorry folks. In any case, enjoy your weekend and stay tuned for more Rich Morning madness next week!

Peace out!


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Tuesday, July 15, 2008

I love being Rich

By that I mean it's cool being Rich (Morning), but also that it's cool being wealthy, and you know having money to buy stuff. For example, just last week, I bought some awesome new artwork. The key addition to my collection is this portrait that I commissioned from a promising young artist named 'Sacha':



What do you think? Personally, I think this kid is going places. He's got talent, drive, ambition and an excellent sense of proportions. He didn't want to sign his painting, but I asked him to just give us some indication of the genius behind this masterpiece. He's so humble!

The Great Assistant Search

Boo-yah party animals!

What's happening? Rich Morning here, with another captivating blog post. Today there's one pressing matter on the agenda:

The Rich Morning Show (World Premier November 17th, 2008) is looking for an assistant!

That's right! Have you ever dreamed of following instructions? Humiliating yourself for the amusement of others? Dancing while someone fires a pistol at your feet? Do you consider yourself a follower, and not a leader? Are you willing to put your own aspirations on hold in order to fulfill every whim of a megalomaniacal celebrity ostrich?

If the answer to any of these questions is 'yes', 'maybe' or even 'not at all', then you could be the assistant I'm looking for!

Requirements:
-You must be at least 3 feet or taller.
-You must be able to operate machinery such as farm equipment and espresso machines.
-You must be able to dance the Charleston, the Box Waltz and the Running Man proficiently.
-You must be licensed and certified to perform CPR and emergency medical techniques.
-Must be able to speak English (for help, check out: GymGlish)
-Preference given to marine mammals.

Voila! Please send a photo of yourself as well as a brief description of your skills and abilities to: richmorningATgmailDOTcom.
Winner will be chosen primarily based on looks.


Please, no fat chicks


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Friday, July 11, 2008

Rich's Mailbag, part 1

Hey hey people,

In the past couple of days I've received tons and tons of questions about what it's like to be me. Here's just a sample of some of the questions I've been asked with answers underneath:

Q. Rich, are you married?

A. Married to my job, yes.

Q. Rich, how do you keep your feathers so clean?

A. Soap and champagne bubble baths.

Q. Rich, who let the dogs out?

A. Don't know. Who? Who?

Q. Rich, how do you feel about North Korea's nuclear capabilities?

A. If stockpiling enriched plutonium is a crime, then consider me guilty.

Q. Rich, will you come to my daughter's birthday party? She's your number one fan!

A. No.

Well, thanks for your questions and keep them coming. I look forward to hearing from all of you. Have a nice day!

Toodles!

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

New Logo, New Agent, New Car, Same Girlfriend

What's up loyal Rich Morning fans? I'm back with another fantastic blog post to keep you motivated for the debut of my upcoming morning show (cough cough) November 17th, 2008 (cough cough).

Great! Now that I'm done with the shameless self-promotion (for now), let me get straight to the big news! I have a brand new logo! Here it is:



What do you think? You like it? Good, I was hoping you would. The artist who designed it was one of these classic humans though. They're so hard to work with! He insisted in being paid in real money, and not the circus-quality peanuts that we pay our engineer Steve the elephant. Man, this town is full of people like that.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Can I get your autograph, Rich?

That's a question I get asked a lot, and usually the answer is 'no', or sometimes 'get that camera out of my face, paparrazo!' if I'm feeling generous.

But what can you do? This is the life I chose: the life a D-list Hollywood celebrity. Summers in Acapulco, winters in Aspen. Here, check out some my moves on the slopes!



It's hard work being Rich Morning, what can I say?

Toodles.